SCENE 1. KITCHEN
The kitchen is an elaborate one— crammed with pots, pans, strings of garlic, peppers, ham, knives and other carving utensils… Oddly enough there are also mannequins and wig stands. The mannequins are decked out in extensive haute couture and the wig stands hold elaborately fashioned wigs. The main feature in the background is a giant metal stove. Its size is impressive. HANSEL, a chubby young boy, sits at a massive kitchen table, he is stuffed into an oversize man’s suit. GRETEL, whose age is indeterminable (by virtue of that classic and ageless quality granted to all icons at the moment of their inception) stands by the cooker. She is an entire fashion gesture in herself, always poised for her close up in Women’s Wear Daily. She is attired in a powder blue dressing gown with shoulder pads.

GRETEL
Finish up your eggs and bacon Hansel, there are pancakes too—

HANSEL
Yummy. Can I have chocolate milk?

GRETEL
And hot cocoa if you like,

HANSEL
And marshmallows?

GRETEL
If you like—

HANSEL
What about you Gretel?

GRETEL
What about me?

HANSEL
Aren’t you having any breakfast?

GRETEL
You know very well Hansel, the only one allowed to eat around here is you.

Silence

HANSEL
Gretel?

GRETEL
Yes Hansel?

HANSEL
What’s today?

GRETEL
Tuesday,

HANSEL
Oh good! I said I was going to bake cookies on Tuesday—

GRETEL
Actually today is Wednesday.

HANSEL
Oh?

GRETEL
Yes. It means you’ll have to wait a while, ‘til next Tuesday—

HANSEL
Really?

Silence

HANSEL
What if I just did them today, anyway?

GRETEL
It’s not a good idea Hansel.
What do you think of this dressing gown? It’s a Jacques Fath—

HANSEL
It looks nice Gretel.

silence

HANSEL
Gretel?

GRETEL
Yes Hansel—

HANSEL
How come you don’t eat?

GRETEL
Hansel! Must we go over this again?

HANSEL
But you can! And you know it! Why don’t you?

GRETEL
Oh be quiet! Pancakes are done, would you like whipped cream, treacle and syrup on them?

HANSEL
(glumly) yes please,

GRETEL
And guess what we have for treats!

HANSEL
(brightens up) What!

GRETEL
Gingerbread cookies—

HANSEL
(concerned) But Gretel?

GRETEL
What Hansel?

HANSEL
Are we allowed to have treats after breakfast?

GRETEL
Of course—

She is intercepted by a loud quaking—the entire room is shaking and quaking and there is a loud banging from the furnace oven and the entire space turns fiery orange with heat. HANSEL crawls under the table, GRETEL strikes a defiant fashion pose. The quaking stops as suddenly as it begins.

GRETEL
Of course we can have treats whenever we please.

HANSEL crawls out from under the table begins to cry.—

GRETEL
(impatiently) Hansel, Hansel! Pull yourself together! Sit down! Please—

HANSEL tries to subdue himself. He seats himself back at the table.

GRETEL
Now finish your breakfast, or else no treats.

HANSEL
I don’t think I want any treats Gretel,

GRETEL
That’s silly. Eat up. Eat your pancakes Hansel. Here, here’s more whipped cream.

GRETEL shovels more food into his plate. HANSEL begins to eat rapidly and mindlessly.

BLACKOUT

SCENE 2. KITCHEN
GRETEL wears a bead embroidered satin pink shift dress and pearls. She has also changed to a blonde wig. HANSEL is in the same man-child’s outfit.
HANSEL carries a tray of unbaked cookies.

GRETEL
Hansel! What are you doing?

HANSEL
I’m baking cookies today,

GRETEL
No you’re not—

HANSEL
Yes I am! I want to—

GRETEL
But that’s not the point is it?

HANSEL
Step out of the way—

GRETEL
Let’s be reasonable

GRETEL blocks the oven. There is a struggle and the cookie tray is overturned. HANSEL shrieks and lunges at GRETEL—

HANSEL
Horrible, horrible, horrible!

GRETEL
Get your hands off me you disgusting kraut pig!

HANSEL
I hate you—

GRETEL
Perhaps. But it doesn’t give you license to ruin my Givenchy,

HANSEL
Your what?

GRETEL
I’m wearing couture you little visigoth! It’s not that easy to come by you know—

HANSEL
That’s the other thing!

GRETEL
(rolls her eyes) What now?

HANSEL
How come you get to wear all the pretty stuff?

GRETEL
Pretty stuff? Have you learned nothing?! You have no culture and your manners are slovenly—

HANSEL
And you’re mean. And whatever you’re wearing looks horrid on you!—

GRETEL
(This stings. she is suddenly on the verge of tears) You evil brat! Who cooks and cleans and cares for you all day—

HANSEL
And that’s the other thing! How come today is always Tuesday? How come it’s always breakfast? How come Gretel?! I liked better when—

GRETEL
(pallid, but indignant at this point) Better when what?

silence

GRETEL
(an icy rage is mounting) When what Hansel?

HANSEL is about to speak and the banging and quaking begins again. GRETEL dons her dark glasses and strikes a defiant pose. HANSEL covers his ears and shuts his eyes tight. Then it is over. HANSEL uncovers his ears and opens his eyes very slowly. He is shaking visibly.

GRETEL
Cookies indeed!

HANSEL is silent.

GRETEL
What! No comments from our master chef?

HANSEL is crying. He crawls into a corner and folds into a fetal position. GRETEL regards him coolly and then starts cooking breakfast over the stove. There is silence for a minute, both busy with their activities—HANSEL crying, GRETEL cooking. Finally,

HANSEL
Gretel?

GRETEL glares at him,

HANSEL

Do you ever think of the forest?
GRETEL says nothing. She skillfully slides an omelette from the skillet to a plate.

HANSEL
Ever?

GRETEL
Breakfast is ready.

HANSEL
Again?

GRETEL says nothing. She pours a glass of milk and sets it on the table.

HANSEL
(frowning) Didn’t we just have breakfast not too long ago?

GRETEL
If you don’t want it, perhaps the trash will—

HANSEL
That’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean it that way Gretel—

Silence

HANSEL
What’s for breakfast?

GRETEL
Spanish omelette, kippers, toast and baked beans—

HANSEL
Yum!

Silence

HANSEL
Gretel?

GRETEL
What now Hansel?

HANSEL
Are you going to have some breakfast too?

GRETEL glares at him and says nothing.

HANSEL
I was just asking—

GRETEL
Finish up. There’s oatmeal porridge too—

HANSEL
Maybe we can do something different after breakfast—

GRETEL arches an eyebrow—

HANSEL
Maybe we could—

GRETEL
Yes?

HANSEL
Nah, maybe its not such a great idea—

GRETEL
Probably not.

HANSEL
You don’t even know what I was going to say!

GRETEL
It wasn’t a good idea for you to say anything.

HANSEL sulks for a minute, and then—

HANSEL
Gretel?

GRETEL
Hansel?

HANSEL
Gretel have you thought of what you want to be when you grow up?

GRETEL
I am grown up Hansel.

She walks away, leaving HANSEL alone. He stares at his oatmeal, raises a spoon to his mouth then drops it. He discontentedly plays with his food for a moment and then slowly begins to eat it at a mountingly healthy pace.

BLACK OUT

SCENE 3. KITCHEN.
HANSEL at the table in his little man suit, GRETEL, wearing an elegant camel colored pantsuit with elaborate costume jewelry. And a chestnut colored beehive wig. She is busy with culinary details, he sits at the table with a furtive look, knitted brow— perhaps HANSEL is plotting something.

GRETEL
Hansel, what do you think a white sauce or a red sauce for the mushrooms? I’m thinking of something more savory for breakfast. Maybe a Greek-style souffle—

(there is no response)

Hansel! What are you doing? Hansel!

HANSEL
I’m thinking.

GRETEL
Why would you do something like that! Hansel, Hansel—snap out of it!

HANSEL
I’m thinking of the forest Gretel, do you ever think of the forest?

GRETEL
Don’t be absurd.

(silence)

GRETEL
Enough of this glumness. Let’s have breakfast. Hansel?

HANSEL
Are you having breakfast too?

GRETEL gives him a “look”. HANSEL snaps into action suddenly, before we know it he grappling with the giant furnace oven, attempting to pry it open with all his might. GRETEL struggles with him—

GRETEL
Have you gone mad? What are you doing—stop it for goodness sake!

HANSEL ignores GRETEL, there is grim determination on his face. GRETEL yanks him by the hair—he yanks at her wig and pulls it off. Finally they both fall on to the floor, clawing, crying and panting—

GRETEL
What are you trying to do? Are completely out of your mind?

HANSEL
I miss her—

GRETEL slaps him—

GRETEL
How can you say that! Do you remember nothing? Remember how she treated us?

HANSEL
(crying) She was beautiful.

GRETEL
You bastard!

She lunges at him. They go at it again, but they stop when the oven starts quaking. The room glows fiery orange with heat, but this time the giant oven door creaks open. A hollow gust rushes out of the black cavity with echoing laughter. The room quakes again and then everything goes cold and black. The roar of whipping winds and cackling are all we hear for a several minutes in the darkness.

Slowly the lights come up to reveal HANSEL and GRETEL, strewn across opposite ends of the kitchen. They lie there like broken puppets, not moving. They lie there for several minutes and the light comes down again.

BLACKOUT

SCENE 4. KITCHEN
GRETEL sits dejectedly at the kitchen table. She wears the same outfit from the last scene, except it is in disarray. Her wig is plonked unceremoniously next to her. HANSEL is at the stove, wearing a chef’s hat. He is enthusiastically whipping up a meal.

HANSEL
Dinner’s ready!

GRETEL
I’m not hungry.

HANSEL
You have to eat sometime Gretel. Guess what’s for dinner—

GRETEL
Stop badgering me.

HANSEL
Hamburgers and icecream and whipped cream, all in one sandwich!

GRETEL
You’re disgusting!

HANSEL
I can make you a salad if you like—but first you have to eat my special goulash, I put hotdogs and chopped up hamburgers and ketchup—

GRETEL
Hansel, stop it! I really don’t want to know—

HANSEL
(triumphantly) We’re having poptarts a la mode for desert. Rum raisin and chocolate icecream. I’ll make it myself! From now on, you’re going to eat! You’ll eat whatever I make. You’ll eat eat eat!

GRETEL
That’s laughable. (she puts on her dark glasses)

HANSEL
(singing) Turkey, lobster, sweet potatoe pie
Pancakes piled up ‘til they reach the sky
Oh you’re gonna eat and eat and eat until you die—

GRETEL fingers her jewelry distractedly, she has retired to her own interior world. In the meantime, HANSEL marches around the kitchen singing his anthem. He starts piling the table with big platters and bowls of food. He stops to observe his handy work and realizes that GRETEL is ignoring him. He runs out of the room for a moment and returns wearing a electric silk blue dragon kimono, high heels and a blonde wig. And pearls. He struts in front of GRETEL who roused out of her apathy at this sight.

GRETEL
Take that off immediately! You haven’t the right—

HANSEL
You can’t tell me what to do anymore—

GRETEL
Take off my clothes immediately—

HANSEL
They’re not yours, they belong to her!

GRETEL
(rising and visibly angry) I’m warning you Hansel, take it all off—

HANSEL
Or else what? What are you gonna do Gretel?

She lunges at him and misses. She chases him around the kitchen table unsuccessfully. Finally she gives up and leans against the wall, watching HANSEL warily. HANSEL gets up on the table, sashaying up and down the length of it—

HANSEL
You’re not the boss of me Gretel, things are gonna change around here— for one thing we both get to dress up. Two: you have to eat from now on, and I get to cook. And three—

He stops, a door, the one leading to the forest (which has been there all along, except we hadn’t noticed it) swings wide open. A bright light shines through. HANSEL frightened, jumps off the table and clings to GRETEL. They both cower. Light streams in and forest sounds are heard.

HANSEL
Gretel, what are we going to do?

GRETEL
Shut the door.

HANSEL
But supposing it never opens again?

GRETEL
We need to shut it.

HANSEL
But it means we can go back home—

GRETEL
There is no going back Hansel—

HANSEL
Shouldn’t we at least just look to see what’s out there?

GRETEL
No.

HANSEL
Okay.

GRETEL
Hansel go and shut the door.

HANSEL
Me?

GRETEL
Go on, get to it—

HANSEL
Let’s both do it—

GRETEL
No. You do it— you wanted to be in charge didn’t you?

HANSEL
I’m scared Gretel.

GRETEL
Nothing will happen to you. Go on be a man, shut the door—

HANSEL approaches the door with trepidation shielding his face from the light. He tries to take the door by the knob—suddenly there is a gust of wind— it sweeps him up and out the door. He is swallowed by the light. GRETEL watches in horror.

GRETEL
Hansel! Hansel!

No response, just light streaming into the kitchen. She stands for a second, not quite sure what to do. The door is still wide open, she tiptoes to the side of the door and attempts to grasp the door knob. A wild gust appears suddenly and sweeps her into the light. The door slams shut of it’s own volition.

Finis